open pasture

The Accident Part The Third

moocowinthecity 2003-08-25 No Comments

Subject: The Accident Part The Third

Date: Monday 8/25/03 10:13:00 PM

Music: At The End-IIO-Queer as Folk – The Third Season

Tags: the accident

So this morning I woke up before my alarm clock got out of bed, checked email and got dressed and met up with Bev (a nurse, comrade and close friend of mine who works at Buffalo General and someone who I’ve done alot of abortion rights and gay rights work with). She was in full blown “omg, I know what your mothers going through mode…” and she took me to Buffalo General.

I signed in with the Dental Clinic, after a long wait and many forms I was told by a nurse that they didn’t have my X-Rays and that I needed to get them before I could be seen.

Bev went into gaurd dog mode and attempted to tear out her throat and is preparing to go to the administration of the hopsital with a list of complaints a mile long. We eventually finish the argument and Bev drives me over to Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital where I sign out my X-rays and then we drive back.,

More waiting…lots and lots of waiting.

Then I’m seen by Dr. Alex, D.D.S., M.D. (Oral Surgeon) who starts to poke and prod my face, examen the X-rays and do some more poking and proding. As it turns out my nose has a hairline fracture which we’re going to try and let heal on it’s own.

My teeth are a different story. They’ve been pushed in. We’re going to wait until Friday to see if they can’t start to heal on their own, and then we’re probably going to have to add metal bars and wax and stuff to them (this being the non technical terms) to get them shoved back in. I’m also, in all probability going to need two root canals. I’ll know more on friday. Root canals don’t sound like fun, however it could be worse – I could have no teeth, so I’m not complaining.

They found bruises on my knees and elbows which was indicitive that I fell in a crouched position. The doctor told me to “not blame myself” – which I wasn’t – because “with the medication you’re on, it’s no wonder you didn’t wake up…” and although I wasn’t in a terrible amount of pain at the time, I didn’t turn down the offer to get some perscription strength ibuprofin cause…well, non addictive pain killers are your friend. I also got a script for an oral mouth wash.

Bev then drove me over to Wegmans where I got my scripts filled and did some mild shopping and then back to the dorms where I managed to get my key to work and thus don’t need to get it replaced (yay!).

My mom and dad for some reason think that someone kicked the crap out of me (I don’t know if this is still their theory). Dad asked me if someone put something in my drink the night before. The answer is “no.” Higher grounds coffee shop is a church on sunday and I was with my close friends, I know that none of them drugged me and that if they saw someone drug me…well let’s just say that I don’t think said drugger would stand a chance vs. these folk. I also know that if for some strange reason I was drugged it would work instantly, and not eight or nine hours later (I went to bed at around 4am). I don’t buy this line of reasoning, primarily because of my lack of defensive wounds and the fact that my laptop, wallet and PDA have remained in my room untouched as does my gay pride flag on my wall (which surely would have been removed or defaced if this were a gay bashing). Plus the bruises on my elbows and knees.

But let’s say that this “accident” really isn’t an accident. What did it accomplish? What did it “teach me?”

It’s made my faith in the gods even stronger – I thank the gods for the fact that I didn’t die, I thank them for the fact that I can now have the opportunity to say goodbye and tell my friends and family how much I love them and I thank them for providing me comfort when I was in the hospital – the gods are always there to listen to whoever would turn to them to speak and pray – you don’t need to be in temple or church or mosque to pray or be close to the gods, they’re never far away and they’ll always listen to you if you need to talk; always.

If it was a gay bashing, let me tell you I’m still queer and I still want a man and I still want to have gay sex so they didn’t accomplish much other than some physical damage – I’m always willing to take a hit for the gay community even if that hit is by bullet; I’d rather be a martyr and dead than be a coward and go out with my hands up. Giving up is not an option nor is surrendering – I’d rather die with honor than die a coward – nothing is worse than a dishonorable death.

If someone didn’t like my politics or for some reason was pissed off at me for how I treated them (I freely admit I can be a bitch or rather that I am a bitch) then they really didn’t teach me “a lesson” in the way that they would want to because I’m not scared of them nor do I plan on backing down or changing who I am fundamentally to please anyone. In the end this is a minor inconvience on the road of life and while I’m sure this has scared others more than it’s scared me, in a few weeks it shall be forgotten completely as I move on with school and with my life and with my art work and political work.

I’ve learned that beauty is only skin deep – I didn’t find myself “hot” perse before but I know that I certainly look better minus the Panda/Racoon eyes. If this has taught me anything, it’s that behind the skin there’s a person which should be the first thing that you get to know – the beauty should be merely considered an added perk. This is something I didn’t really know in reality (I knew the theory) before the accident, but I do know now.

I’ve learned that people will claim to be “your friend” during the goodtimes, but it takes a real friend to stick it out with you when the going gets rough. I’ve also learned that laughter is truly the best medicine – even when it hurts.

Through this I learned that I have some extremely dedicated and loyal friends:family:comrades from all walks of life, of all political persuasions of every political background and belief system and religion. All of my frieneds, family and comrades showed their true colors and all but a small few should be very very proud of the fine people that they’ve become and the paths of life that they’re walking. I also learned through this that beauty isn’t perhaps the first thing I should look for in someone because it can easily be taken away (“and in a flash it was gone…”) and if you only look at the physcial, there will be nothing after it’s gone and it doesn’t last forever. I’ve learned how much I love my friends and how much I love my parents and family even when my family drives me up the wall (I’m sure I drive them nuts as well). I’ve learned how lucky I am to attend UB and how lucky I am that there are people out there who want to help just for the sake of helping. I’ve learned how much I truly love the gods and how much I truly love my religion.

So all in all, if I were the “victim” of a “beating” instead of an accident, I thank the person for the lessons that they’ve taught me – these are valuable things to learn at a young age (yes eighteen is young as is nineteen – though I promise you that I’ll never grow old). If this is, as I think it is, an accident, then I’ve still learned some valuable things so ce’st la vie.

Time to move on my friends, time to move on…

In spiffy news, I received a very very well thought Birthday present from Agnes (dreamfireflame) – it’s a lion. Those of you who have followed this journal know my close spiritual connection with lions…it’s tres, tres spiffy.

Christie (gryvon) and I are now both under the strict impression that we work so well together because she’s the man in our “relationship” and I’m the woman. As I’m gay and she’s a lesbian, this appears to be a correct assesment.

Agnes also gave me a spiffy tarot card reading…much to think about and Candie and Mikey are still the cutest thing on the planet and Sarah gave me one of her friendship bracelets today which was nice ^_^ – she also turns into the terminator version of Jewish Grandmothers at a moments notice…I fear the day we let her cook passover…not because I’m afraid of her messing up, but because I have no IDEA how we’re going to store all that food…(edit note: I’ve been informed she can’t cook…chinese take out it is!)

Now…’bout them kittens…if a cow’s on the door with a beret and a cigg in it’s mouth and a goatee, don’t come a knockin m’kay?

~ me ^_~

P.S. Dad will be coming up tomorrow ^_^ Dave will be with him ^_^ you’ll get to meet some of my family…Also…either attempting to lower bed or get a futon…’cause this whole sleeping high up thing is SOOO not happening again…

I don’t want to be a drama queen…

moocowinthecity 2003-08-24 No Comments

Subject: I don’t want to be a drama queen…

Date: Sunday 8/24/03 10:26:00 PM

Music: Life in the Fast Lane-The Eagles-Greatest Hits Volume 2

Tags: writings: poetry

First, I’d like to thank all of my amazingly spiffy friends who have truly gone above and beyond the call of duty these past few days, I’m not going to mention anyone by name because you’ve all helped and have just been so amazing it has made me cry. Thank you so much – I love you.

Basically, in this post I’m going to wrap up the “wow, I was in the E.R. story” because I really don’t want to be a drama queen and I really don’t need sympathy, there are people who have been through much worse than I have. I’m alive, albeit banged up and bruised and being alive is sort of what counts. The only other posts regarding this will be tomorrow after I see the oral surgeon with the “here’s the skivvy on my teeth post” and the “hey, I’m back to normal post” and at most, one more “update” post.

I think the best way to finish this off is with the poem I wrote so I could remember the experience:

LJ-Cut: August 23, 2003

August 23, 2003

Beat down, fall to the ground, shit kicked out of me – who the hell know’s what happend to me, woke up in a pool of blood, face covered – lips split open, shoulder feels like it’s been broken, nose completly flat.

Get up and go to the bathroom, look in the mirror – scariest thing on the planet: loss of memory – what the hell happend to me? How did *THIS* happen…I don’t know…walk down the hall and bang on the R.A.’s door “help…”

9-1-1

The police were called…”we’re with the suspect” they said…”what the f’k do you mean by suspect” said my head…they interrogated me as I sat in pain, over and over they asked the same three questions: were you drinking, did you do drugs, who hit you? To which I then gave them the same replies: I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remember. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead.

After what was probably fifteen minutes – but what felt like hours, the officer called an ambulance for the “suspect” that was I…I was taken by ambulance to the hospital down the road…was my neck broken…was I going to die without ever saying goodbye?

I looked up into the EMT’s eyes – he seemed so familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why…why did I know his face? I know that I know his face, I know him but I don’t know why. His name is Scott.

And out of the Ambulance I was wheeled, through the double doors I was lead. And then a nurse came in and started to ask me questions – I told them to call my parents…they needed to know where I was…then I heard her say the things that every parent feared “Mrs. schwartz, this is cheryl from Millard Fillmore hospital…” and I nearly screamed…

Eventually I got to the phone, but I don’t remember how and I got to speak to my parents, Mom and Dad and told them what I knew at the time and then I was lead back to the hospital bed…so cold, so cold.

Again I slept and laid on the hospital bed and I continued to talk to the gods…I didn’t make deals, didn’t beg for my life, didn’t make promises, didn’t ask why, didn’t plead – just said to them in my head “what am I supposed to learn from all this? What is the lesson to be had?”

Then more nurses came, and more doctors, all with the same few questions to which I replied I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remember. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead.

I pulled the ends of my blood soaked pajama pants over my feet…good thing I’m short…and moments later I was wheeled into the X-ray room where they took pictures of my head:neck:arms:spine:body to make sure I wasn’t ‘broken’ though lying in that bed I didn’t feel “all together” regardless…then a big man came in – made me feel safe – wrapped me in a blanket because he saw my feet and realized I was cold – and wheeled me to the CAT scan machine. Computer lights whirlled and machines spun around…they wanted to know why I couldn’t remember…so did I…why can’t I remember? Because my mind doesn’t want me too…

Again I slept and laid on the hospital bed and I continued to talk to the gods…I didn’t make deals, didn’t beg for my life, didn’t make promises, didn’t ask why, didn’t plead – just said to them in my head “what am I supposed to learn from all this? What is the lesson to be had?”

Then it was time to get some stitches, my lips were busted open – will I be able to feel the warmth of a kiss? Are my nerves damaged? As I was getting wheeled into the opearting room the nurse assured “don’t worry we’re not operating, just some stitches…now rinse and spit…” – passing by the door a stranged said “Feel better buddy…” which nearly made me cry because the kindness of strangers is something that’s allmost always lacking in the big city but not here in “everyone know’s each other Buffalo.”

Then a doctor came in – gorgeous – “well is he Jewish?” popped into my head courtesy of the left side of my brain channeling my mother…to which the right side responded “now’s not the time…thwack!” He was one of the doctors who saw me before…he was calming…told me what he was going to do and as I layed down, he put a white sheet over my head…I couldn’t see what he was doing…all I saw was a white light through the white sheets…and my mind kept on making after life jokes to pass the time…

Then the doctor finished stitching me up and told me that I had to see an oral surgeon on Monday – pray I can keep my teeth and that my nose wasn’t broken…and then I recieved my discharge orders and I had to figure out how to get home…took ten minutes to get through to UB’s campus information line…got my room telephone number…spoke with my roomate, got a nurse to give directions and his parent’s picked me up and took me home…

And the thing of all this, it could always be worse…thank the gods I didn’t break my neck or my head, thank the gods that I’m not dead, thank the gods my spine isn’t broken and that I’m not bound to a wheel chair for life, thank the god’s that I now will have the opportunity to say good bye.

I just wish I knew what really happend.

I don’t want to be a drama queen…

moocowinthecity 2003-08-24 No Comments

Subject: I don’t want to be a drama queen…

Date: Sunday 8/24/03 10:26:00 PM

Music: Life in the Fast Lane-The Eagles-Greatest Hits Volume 2

Tags: writings: poetry

First, I’d like to thank all of my amazingly spiffy friends who have truly gone above and beyond the call of duty these past few days, I’m not going to mention anyone by name because you’ve all helped and have just been so amazing it has made me cry. Thank you so much – I love you.

Basically, in this post I’m going to wrap up the “wow, I was in the E.R. story” because I really don’t want to be a drama queen and I really don’t need sympathy, there are people who have been through much worse than I have. I’m alive, albeit banged up and bruised and being alive is sort of what counts. The only other posts regarding this will be tomorrow after I see the oral surgeon with the “here’s the skivvy on my teeth post” and the “hey, I’m back to normal post” and at most, one more “update” post.

I think the best way to finish this off is with the poem I wrote so I could remember the experience:

LJ-Cut: August 23, 2003

August 23, 2003

Beat down, fall to the ground, shit kicked out of me – who the hell know’s what happend to me, woke up in a pool of blood, face covered – lips split open, shoulder feels like it’s been broken, nose completly flat.

Get up and go to the bathroom, look in the mirror – scariest thing on the planet: loss of memory – what the hell happend to me? How did *THIS* happen…I don’t know…walk down the hall and bang on the R.A.’s door “help…”

9-1-1

The police were called…”we’re with the suspect” they said…”what the f’k do you mean by suspect” said my head…they interrogated me as I sat in pain, over and over they asked the same three questions: were you drinking, did you do drugs, who hit you? To which I then gave them the same replies: I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remember. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead.

After what was probably fifteen minutes – but what felt like hours, the officer called an ambulance for the “suspect” that was I…I was taken by ambulance to the hospital down the road…was my neck broken…was I going to die without ever saying goodbye?

I looked up into the EMT’s eyes – he seemed so familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why…why did I know his face? I know that I know his face, I know him but I don’t know why. His name is Scott.

And out of the Ambulance I was wheeled, through the double doors I was lead. And then a nurse came in and started to ask me questions – I told them to call my parents…they needed to know where I was…then I heard her say the things that every parent feared “Mrs. schwartz, this is cheryl from Millard Fillmore hospital…” and I nearly screamed…

Eventually I got to the phone, but I don’t remember how and I got to speak to my parents, Mom and Dad and told them what I knew at the time and then I was lead back to the hospital bed…so cold, so cold.

Again I slept and laid on the hospital bed and I continued to talk to the gods…I didn’t make deals, didn’t beg for my life, didn’t make promises, didn’t ask why, didn’t plead – just said to them in my head “what am I supposed to learn from all this? What is the lesson to be had?”

Then more nurses came, and more doctors, all with the same few questions to which I replied I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remember. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, my door was locked – I can’t remmeber. I’m on medication, if I did drugs I’d be dead.

I pulled the ends of my blood soaked pajama pants over my feet…good thing I’m short…and moments later I was wheeled into the X-ray room where they took pictures of my head:neck:arms:spine:body to make sure I wasn’t ‘broken’ though lying in that bed I didn’t feel “all together” regardless…then a big man came in – made me feel safe – wrapped me in a blanket because he saw my feet and realized I was cold – and wheeled me to the CAT scan machine. Computer lights whirlled and machines spun around…they wanted to know why I couldn’t remember…so did I…why can’t I remember? Because my mind doesn’t want me too…

Again I slept and laid on the hospital bed and I continued to talk to the gods…I didn’t make deals, didn’t beg for my life, didn’t make promises, didn’t ask why, didn’t plead – just said to them in my head “what am I supposed to learn from all this? What is the lesson to be had?”

Then it was time to get some stitches, my lips were busted open – will I be able to feel the warmth of a kiss? Are my nerves damaged? As I was getting wheeled into the opearting room the nurse assured “don’t worry we’re not operating, just some stitches…now rinse and spit…” – passing by the door a stranged said “Feel better buddy…” which nearly made me cry because the kindness of strangers is something that’s allmost always lacking in the big city but not here in “everyone know’s each other Buffalo.”

Then a doctor came in – gorgeous – “well is he Jewish?” popped into my head courtesy of the left side of my brain channeling my mother…to which the right side responded “now’s not the time…thwack!” He was one of the doctors who saw me before…he was calming…told me what he was going to do and as I layed down, he put a white sheet over my head…I couldn’t see what he was doing…all I saw was a white light through the white sheets…and my mind kept on making after life jokes to pass the time…

Then the doctor finished stitching me up and told me that I had to see an oral surgeon on Monday – pray I can keep my teeth and that my nose wasn’t broken…and then I recieved my discharge orders and I had to figure out how to get home…took ten minutes to get through to UB’s campus information line…got my room telephone number…spoke with my roomate, got a nurse to give directions and his parent’s picked me up and took me home…

And the thing of all this, it could always be worse…thank the gods I didn’t break my neck or my head, thank the gods that I’m not dead, thank the gods my spine isn’t broken and that I’m not bound to a wheel chair for life, thank the god’s that I now will have the opportunity to say good bye.

I just wish I knew what really happend.

as if it couldn’t get any worse…

moocowinthecity 2003-08-23 No Comments

Subject: as if it couldn’t get any worse…

Date: Saturday 8/23/03 4:39:00 PM

Music: hall mates crappy music

I woke up in a pool of blood, but I don’t remember waking up, just that I was covered in blood…I banged on my RA’s door and he called campus security…after them calling me a suspect and me explaining to them that I didn’t take drugs or do alcohol and that my door was locked so no one hit me, I was taken by ambulance to the ER at Suburban Hospital where they xrayed me all over, gave me a cat scan ran tests and gave me stitches…apparently I fell from the top bunk onto the cement floor…I have to go to Buffalo General on monday to get oral surgery…I feel like such crap and I’m in pain – the not good kind.

The only highlights of this journey was that the doctor was really cute and calming, and the guy who wheeled me around was really big and tucked me in…other than that, stitches suck as does oral surgery and I had to keep from crying, because I kept on thinking “this could be so much worse, I could be gone and I wouldn’t have gotten to say goodbye to my friends or family”

I need sleep…thus, I’m going back on the bed of death (now complete with safety bar) and attempting to sleep…

as if it couldn’t get any worse…

moocowinthecity 2003-08-23 No Comments

Subject: as if it couldn’t get any worse…

Date: Saturday 8/23/03 4:39:00 PM

Music: hall mates crappy music

I woke up in a pool of blood, but I don’t remember waking up, just that I was covered in blood…I banged on my RA’s door and he called campus security…after them calling me a suspect and me explaining to them that I didn’t take drugs or do alcohol and that my door was locked so no one hit me, I was taken by ambulance to the ER at Suburban Hospital where they xrayed me all over, gave me a cat scan ran tests and gave me stitches…apparently I fell from the top bunk onto the cement floor…I have to go to Buffalo General on monday to get oral surgery…I feel like such crap and I’m in pain – the not good kind.

The only highlights of this journey was that the doctor was really cute and calming, and the guy who wheeled me around was really big and tucked me in…other than that, stitches suck as does oral surgery and I had to keep from crying, because I kept on thinking “this could be so much worse, I could be gone and I wouldn’t have gotten to say goodbye to my friends or family”

I need sleep…thus, I’m going back on the bed of death (now complete with safety bar) and attempting to sleep…

moocowinthecity 2003-08-14 No Comments

Date: Thursday 8/14/03 7:22:00 AM

Music: Native Love (Step By Step)-Divine-Queer as Folk – The Third Season

Tags: true life: id10t errors

So yeah, I just go to IM someone and I was like “why are they repeating back to me the same thing that I just typed…” Until I realized I was IMing myself (I’m on my buddy list so I can see my profile)…

Untitled

moocowinthecity 2003-08-14 No Comments

Date: Thursday 8/14/03 7:22:00 AM

Music: Native Love (Step By Step)-Divine-Queer as Folk – The Third Season

Tags: true life: id10t errors

So yeah, I just go to IM someone and I was like “why are they repeating back to me the same thing that I just typed…” Until I realized I was IMing myself (I’m on my buddy list so I can see my profile)…

The Wedding, Today and Randomness

moocowinthecity 2003-07-13 No Comments

-=The Day Before The Wedding=-

Have the personal trainer at 8:30AM, work out and hear him talk about random stuff which was just sort of blah. He’s a little to macho right winger for me. Anyways, we eventualyl get out of the car and start driving to PA. Grandma calls my dads phone and says something to the effect of “you’re suppoosed to go to dinner tonight with someone, but we don’t know who.” Yeah, helpful – of course, neither she nor grandpa had their hearing aids in, so conversation was difficult at best. Attempt further communication, fail miserably.

::dad continue driving:: I get a good way through HP Book 5

We stop for a pit stop, I get starbucks, my younger brother sam orders the uber ice cream from heck (yes, heck) which was like the most expensive, nasty carvel ice cream on the planet, I think he had just about every topping possible, it was scary.

Anyways, dad then asks me to give him a “crib sheet” of the gay lexicon, and what the words mean. Thus, that shall be done shortly. I’ll be interested to see his response. “Bottom: what your son is” all the way down to “Top: what your son seeks” and “BDSM: a fun and endearin weekend activity” – yes, I plan on having fun with my father, he put out the welcome mat.

Anyways, we get to PA, check into the hotel, and go out for dinner to a pizza place (I had grilled chicken, as I couldn’t have the carbs) with the bride and groom and family, then we went back to the bride’s parents house for coffee and cake (I had neither). One woman there was like “I had a painter come in – he’s gay, never had a lesson in his life – and he did an amazing job.” And I just shook my head and sighed, because apparently all of us Gay people are just amazing artists and what not (well, I am, but like I know many who just aren’t).

Come home and on the way finally pick up the grandparents from the great aunts (they’re twins) house. Go to the hotel, and depart for the night. Before leaving, grandma tells me that she “wants to speak to me tomorrow.” I am ‘overcome with joy’ at hearing these words.

-=The Next Morning=-

Get up for breakfast, say hi to other family members, smile, be cute, and basically had all day free (the wedding started at 8pm) so after breakfast I ran for an hour at the hotels gym (yes, I’m a gym rat – sue me). Came back upstairs and got a call from dad and the grandparents (while I was running, dad took grandma for her beauty appointment) and they wanted to see me…went down to their room, but dad basically offered to take me to the mall because sears was having a close out sale so Grandma didn’t get a chance to talk to me.

On the way to the mall, I mentioned that I lost my glasses (dad has lost 5 more pairs than I have, so he really has no right to be mad at me yet – yes, seven pairs SINCE I’VE STARTED COUNTING, not in his life time) and as luck would have it, the mall had a pearl vision, so I had them call the pearl vision in buffalo who got my script from my optometrist in LI and long story short, I got a new pair of spiffy glasses and sunglasses (because they had a deal where I got 175.00 off the sunglasses). It was nice being able to see during the wedding. Go to sears, get some jeans (for like 19.99 a pair) and some shirts, and come home to the hotel.

During this point, I run into more family members, say hi to everyone and get stopped by grandma and grandpa – they wanted to know a) how I knew I was gay b) if my roommate was gay and c) did I have straight friends. I answered their questions, and follow ups as best I could, and that was all that was said on the matter for the duration of the trip.

Parental units and brothers and I went out to dinner at TGIFridays (I got the rewards card for future use of obtaining rewards points) and then came back and got dressed – I looked uber spiffy. Picture, if you will…

My face with thion silver tiny oval glasses
Tailored Italian Suit with a matching silver vest
Amazingly Hot Shirt
DKNY Tie
Spikey Hair

Yeah, you get the picture. The one really nice thing about the night (assides from the wedding) was some of the compliments that not only I got, my my side of the family received as a whole – people like us because a) we look good and b) we’re nice, and it’s nice hearing it sometimes.

Of course, I dunno, people get all excited about weddings and stuff, but they’re really not for me. I don’t think it’s right to invite everyone in the family, make them think that they’re really loved and invited (read: everyone was talking behind each others backs and some people were there, well…we’re not sure why) just to recieve money from them. Yes, I know I’m jaded.

I’ve described my ‘dream’ wedding before, I’ll describe it again:

Have a nice day with my top/partner/spouse/husband, come home, get screwed through the sheets. Be handed a ring (silver or steel – I can’t stand gold) and go out for drinks with some close friends to celebrate and then go to a club. That’s all I want.

The next day, head to the lawyers office to sign some form of contract and get a change of name hearing from a judge so I can take on my husbands last name and be done with it. I don’t need some fancy party or a bunch of family members there, considering that more than half of them drive me up the wall to prove my love to someone. I don’t think tuxedo’s make it any more real.

One, I don’t think marriage has to have anything to do with god, it’s between two people and the love that they share whether gods in their life or not. I don’t need god as a witness. Two, I just don’t find the meaning in the whole ‘make a public show of it and spend lots of money on a party’ thing, I hate formal affairs why would I subject my friends and family to them, to something I know that no one (but a few family members who live and die for weddings and bar-mitzvahs) enjoy?

Wouldn’t people be more happy in an enviornment where they can kick back in sneakers, have a blast, laugh, smile, share happy stories and goodtimes past instead of listening to wind beneath my wings by some crappy ass dj?

Anyways, we got home at about 1:30 AM, at which point Mom, Dave and myself watched phone booth, it was a really intense movie – I liked it, and will definetly need to see it again. Whoever thought it up was insane or a genious or to tell the truth, both.

-=Sunday After Breakfast=-

Had breakfast with family members, and then drove home. It took about three hours, we hit MAJOR traffic all over, but we finally got home. I then took the car and drove mom and myself to go pick up the dog. And here I am.

-=Randomness=-

So, first and foremost, I’d like to know the culprit of the “suck, suck, suck, glee” post which can be found here. Come on folks, fess up 😛

Also, for those who are interested – next years course schedule (and yes Brent pyrop I know I’m a ‘bum’ according to you, but you’re still jealous so admit it :-P)

Oh, I’m now down to a size 36 pants (which are ::gasps:: sort of loose on me) and a size medium in button down shirts…yeah, I’m sort of happy, but not happy yet – I still have a stomach, and I want abs! Thus, I’m going to have to do more than just run for an hour every day, I’m going to need to lift weights about every other day, which I’ll need to fit into my schedule, somehow. I’ll manage.

In random quotes, this just sort of made me feel good, so I’m posting it here (read: shamelessly inflating my own egot, if you don’t like it, well, :-P)

(And yes, I changed the AIM name to protect the innocent…)

Eric (7:42:12 PM): you are the most stubborn person I’ve met.
Eric (7:42:15 PM): In a good way.
stuffeddonkey (7:42:17 PM): lol
Eric (7:42:21 PM): You decide you’re going to do something,
stuffeddonkey (7:42:22 PM): thanks, I think ^_^
Eric (7:42:22 PM): and you do it.
Eric (7:42:31 PM): You don’t accept no as an answer.
Eric (7:42:33 PM): Hehe–
Eric (7:43:05 PM): I knew you’d lose weight over the summer– but, I doubted you’d lose as much as you were hoping to–
Eric (7:43:07 PM): and, you did.

And as I close – in 50 days, as of today I’ll be 19!

~ me

The Wedding, Today and Randomness

moocowinthecity 2003-07-13 No Comments

-=The Day Before The Wedding=-

Have the personal trainer at 8:30AM, work out and hear him talk about random stuff which was just sort of blah. He’s a little to macho right winger for me. Anyways, we eventualyl get out of the car and start driving to PA. Grandma calls my dads phone and says something to the effect of “you’re suppoosed to go to dinner tonight with someone, but we don’t know who.” Yeah, helpful – of course, neither she nor grandpa had their hearing aids in, so conversation was difficult at best. Attempt further communication, fail miserably.

::dad continue driving:: I get a good way through HP Book 5

We stop for a pit stop, I get starbucks, my younger brother sam orders the uber ice cream from heck (yes, heck) which was like the most expensive, nasty carvel ice cream on the planet, I think he had just about every topping possible, it was scary.

Anyways, dad then asks me to give him a “crib sheet” of the gay lexicon, and what the words mean. Thus, that shall be done shortly. I’ll be interested to see his response. “Bottom: what your son is” all the way down to “Top: what your son seeks” and “BDSM: a fun and endearin weekend activity” – yes, I plan on having fun with my father, he put out the welcome mat.

Anyways, we get to PA, check into the hotel, and go out for dinner to a pizza place (I had grilled chicken, as I couldn’t have the carbs) with the bride and groom and family, then we went back to the bride’s parents house for coffee and cake (I had neither). One woman there was like “I had a painter come in – he’s gay, never had a lesson in his life – and he did an amazing job.” And I just shook my head and sighed, because apparently all of us Gay people are just amazing artists and what not (well, I am, but like I know many who just aren’t).

Come home and on the way finally pick up the grandparents from the great aunts (they’re twins) house. Go to the hotel, and depart for the night. Before leaving, grandma tells me that she “wants to speak to me tomorrow.” I am ‘overcome with joy’ at hearing these words.

-=The Next Morning=-

Get up for breakfast, say hi to other family members, smile, be cute, and basically had all day free (the wedding started at 8pm) so after breakfast I ran for an hour at the hotels gym (yes, I’m a gym rat – sue me). Came back upstairs and got a call from dad and the grandparents (while I was running, dad took grandma for her beauty appointment) and they wanted to see me…went down to their room, but dad basically offered to take me to the mall because sears was having a close out sale so Grandma didn’t get a chance to talk to me.

On the way to the mall, I mentioned that I lost my glasses (dad has lost 5 more pairs than I have, so he really has no right to be mad at me yet – yes, seven pairs SINCE I’VE STARTED COUNTING, not in his life time) and as luck would have it, the mall had a pearl vision, so I had them call the pearl vision in buffalo who got my script from my optometrist in LI and long story short, I got a new pair of spiffy glasses and sunglasses (because they had a deal where I got 175.00 off the sunglasses). It was nice being able to see during the wedding. Go to sears, get some jeans (for like 19.99 a pair) and some shirts, and come home to the hotel.

During this point, I run into more family members, say hi to everyone and get stopped by grandma and grandpa – they wanted to know a) how I knew I was gay b) if my roommate was gay and c) did I have straight friends. I answered their questions, and follow ups as best I could, and that was all that was said on the matter for the duration of the trip.

Parental units and brothers and I went out to dinner at TGIFridays (I got the rewards card for future use of obtaining rewards points) and then came back and got dressed – I looked uber spiffy. Picture, if you will…

My face with thion silver tiny oval glasses
Tailored Italian Suit with a matching silver vest
Amazingly Hot Shirt
DKNY Tie
Spikey Hair

Yeah, you get the picture. The one really nice thing about the night (assides from the wedding) was some of the compliments that not only I got, my my side of the family received as a whole – people like us because a) we look good and b) we’re nice, and it’s nice hearing it sometimes.

Of course, I dunno, people get all excited about weddings and stuff, but they’re really not for me. I don’t think it’s right to invite everyone in the family, make them think that they’re really loved and invited (read: everyone was talking behind each others backs and some people were there, well…we’re not sure why) just to recieve money from them. Yes, I know I’m jaded.

I’ve described my ‘dream’ wedding before, I’ll describe it again:

Have a nice day with my top/partner/spouse/husband, come home, get screwed through the sheets. Be handed a ring (silver or steel – I can’t stand gold) and go out for drinks with some close friends to celebrate and then go to a club. That’s all I want.

The next day, head to the lawyers office to sign some form of contract and get a change of name hearing from a judge so I can take on my husbands last name and be done with it. I don’t need some fancy party or a bunch of family members there, considering that more than half of them drive me up the wall to prove my love to someone. I don’t think tuxedo’s make it any more real.

One, I don’t think marriage has to have anything to do with god, it’s between two people and the love that they share whether gods in their life or not. I don’t need god as a witness. Two, I just don’t find the meaning in the whole ‘make a public show of it and spend lots of money on a party’ thing, I hate formal affairs why would I subject my friends and family to them, to something I know that no one (but a few family members who live and die for weddings and bar-mitzvahs) enjoy?

Wouldn’t people be more happy in an enviornment where they can kick back in sneakers, have a blast, laugh, smile, share happy stories and goodtimes past instead of listening to wind beneath my wings by some crappy ass dj?

Anyways, we got home at about 1:30 AM, at which point Mom, Dave and myself watched phone booth, it was a really intense movie – I liked it, and will definetly need to see it again. Whoever thought it up was insane or a genious or to tell the truth, both.

-=Sunday After Breakfast=-

Had breakfast with family members, and then drove home. It took about three hours, we hit MAJOR traffic all over, but we finally got home. I then took the car and drove mom and myself to go pick up the dog. And here I am.

-=Randomness=-

So, first and foremost, I’d like to know the culprit of the “suck, suck, suck, glee” post which can be found here. Come on folks, fess up 😛

Also, for those who are interested – next years course schedule (and yes Brent

pyrop I know I’m a ‘bum’ according to you, but you’re still jealous so admit it :-P)

Oh, I’m now down to a size 36 pants (which are ::gasps:: sort of loose on me) and a size medium in button down shirts…yeah, I’m sort of happy, but not happy yet – I still have a stomach, and I want abs! Thus, I’m going to have to do more than just run for an hour every day, I’m going to need to lift weights about every other day, which I’ll need to fit into my schedule, somehow. I’ll manage.

In random quotes, this just sort of made me feel good, so I’m posting it here (read: shamelessly inflating my own egot, if you don’t like it, well, :-P)

(And yes, I changed the AIM name to protect the innocent…)

Eric (7:42:12 PM): you are the most stubborn person I’ve met.
Eric (7:42:15 PM): In a good way.
stuffeddonkey (7:42:17 PM): lol
Eric (7:42:21 PM): You decide you’re going to do something,
stuffeddonkey (7:42:22 PM): thanks, I think ^_^
Eric (7:42:22 PM): and you do it.
Eric (7:42:31 PM): You don’t accept no as an answer.
Eric (7:42:33 PM): Hehe–
Eric (7:43:05 PM): I knew you’d lose weight over the summer– but, I doubted you’d lose as much as you were hoping to–
Eric (7:43:07 PM): and, you did.

And as I close – in 50 days, as of today I’ll be 19!

~ me

Wow…the past 48 hours…

moocowinthecity 2003-07-03 No Comments

Subject: Wow…the past 48 hours…

Date: Thursday 7/3/03 8:37:00 PM

Music: One-Faith Hill-Cry

[friended: everyone but rents]

So you heard me mention that my mother was sleeping on the couch…well yeah, she was – because she didn’t want to be in the same room as my father. Apparently, when my father and brother were fighting last night, my father basically insulted our family (being Mom, Dave, Sam and Myself). He’s been acting like a pure asshole lately, of course I really can’t be a judge because my father and I have always had an adversarial relationship. If we’re not at odds over something, something has to be seriously wrong.

So flash back to yesterday. Dad comes home, he was perhaps on full brood mode, if such a mode is possible. I walk to my mom and said “what’s wrong” – her response was that she didn’t know. Apparently my father is having issues with sam (My 12 year old younger brother) and baseball. Well, not only that, but my father has been enraged recently, he seriously has been off the wall.

Fine, I go to work today – expecting a ‘normal’ – if there is such a thing as ‘normal’ – day. Things started out normal. Benn (theantiview) came in and tried to pay with a 20.00 less than an hour after we opened, I laughed and paid for it and told him he could pay me back, ’cause the odds of my breaking a twenty at that hour were well…none. Proceede to do inventory get it all labeled Not an hour after Voula (the Pharmacy Tech) gets there (at 10:00), she gets a call – one of her closest friends was hit by a truck while riding a bicycle (not a motorcycle). Fred the pharamacist being nothing more than a stone with a degree, didn’t want to let her leave work to go to the hospital – HER FRIEND WILL MOST PROBABLY NOT MAKE IT and the way fred acted was so gross and so disgusting. He has a heart of stone.

Well Debbie (the manager) told Fred off, Voula left (thank god, she needed to be with her family). And Fred insulted Voula the entire rest of the day This then meant that everyone was doing double time, but with Debbie and I, we were fine. At parts of the day I was operating two counters (at opposite ends of the store) by myself (this meant literally running from one side of the store to the other). Thank god I had the wireless phone, because I was on the phone, helping customers and dealing with Fred (the Pharmacist) and doing lottery all at the same time. I think I need to call Estella my squid (woot for toast!) and get her to help me.

Anyways, I want to state this to those who are obviously able to read this post, and I want you to take it to heart, because I mean this from the core of mine.

I love you

Please, never leave on an argument, or an an angry note (“merry ye meet, merry ye part”) because life’s to short to be truly angry and you never know when you’ll get the last chance to tell someone that you love them. Three strong words that can mean to some the difference between life and death (slash my wrists with a razor knife, all I asked was that you ask me to be yours and say the three magick words that could bring me back to life).

So yes, I love you with all that that implies. Please tell your parents and your friends that you love them too, it’s so important. Three words, I don’t know why some find it hard to say.

Anyways, moving on and away from the most serious part of this post, I had some nice experiences today (although most of the day was overcast in a grey cloud of misery).

First, the store next to us is Lemon Tree and I deal with their haircutters on a regular basis, as they’re always in to get snacks and chit chat – well one comes in and as I’m ringing her up she gets talking with Debbie and she goes “He’s the best – omg, we love him” and I’m thinking…”Wow, I thought that you guys sort of disliked me…” and then she goes “Carmella LOVES him” and I’m like in my head “Wow…I thought that she REALLY didn’t like me…” and my manager responds “You should hear his phone voice – he’s so polite it kills me – everyone loves him” – which then made me think “wait…people are talking about me when I’m not here…hrm…that’s kind of weird” so that was kind of nice to hear, and it’s always nice to have one’s Manager told these things. Then my mother comes in and Debbie made me blush more than I have before save for when I’m with my Grandma…

Anyways, moving on from there some other interesting things happend – like I found out where I stand with Fred – the same “Heart of stone, I hate everyone” person bastard I was discussing before. Basically, it’s my job to do the front end of the store – rarely, I’m asked to do the back (which is where the actual Rx’s are dealt with, I deal primarely with over the counter products). However, Fred apparently requested that I work the back instead of the girl who normaly works there, from what I can get figured out because Voula was out (I really hope she’s okay) he needed someone competent. The fact that Fred thinks I’m competent is so stellarly amazing, you have no idea – Fred hates everyone. Then, apparently two weeks ago I made an error on an invoice, so I said immediatly “that’s my handwriting – my fault” and Fred sort of shrugged it off and Judy (who fights with fred like a match fights with a can of gasoline…) turns to me and whispers “why didn’t he call you a shit head!!?” my response was “because I’m cute” ::flash smile:: and the look on Judy’s face was priceless, she was sort of pissed which was good, considering the fact that she was driving me nuts. (please allow me to be immature for two seconds: “Ha! Eat that bitch!” – thanks…I needed that)

Anyways, come home, try to digest what happend today…just the thought that you may be out for a stroll and then never come back home is powerful – no one’s invincible – not me, not you, not the all mighty Brian, no one, and it’d do us well to remember that we can be gone in a flash, just like anyone else. Poof.

I ran for an hour today when I got back, and then dad got home, he was being Pompus, acting like nothing was wrong – although according to Mom, he does know that she’s upset with him (although I think upset is putting it mildly). I forgot to mention that when mom came into the store earlier she informed me that she’s going to hold what she wants to tell him in until she bursts at him and lets him know what’s what – this is going to be a long few days…

Then dad left for Baseball and I went to L.A. Hair to meet up with Andrea (another Witch) who did my nails. I felt like I was in heaven, wow hand massages are great – and my nails look great…and DAMMNNNNNN she’s good. We had a great time and I totally unwound for a bit and forgot about what was going on, I’l l go back there in two weeks to get it redone for 10.00 it was more than worth it.

Drove home, and on my way stopped at the pharmacy. Fred was there, acting like an asshole (you’ll forgive me for the amount cursing in this post, I usually try to stay away from it given the option) and Voula hadn’t called in, which isn’t surprising considering how badly Fred treated her when she was crying and an emotional wreck. I really wish I had her home telephone number, or address. I’d send her cheer up flowers or something. I’ll bring her some flowers tomorrow at the pharmacy or something. I’ll go to fairway tonight and get some, I think. Just…I don’t know this person, but what hurt me the most was seeing Voula cry. My chest just got this burst of pain in it (on a side note, I “feel” anger and pain in my chest…it’s sort of weird…I’ll explain it in more detail to those who care to know). God, Voula is so sweet and kind, there isn’t a bad bone in her body, and to see her cry hurt.

Anyways, I’m a little concerned to say the least, with how my family’s currently functioning. Like, this is not healthy, this is not good and this most certainly isn’t normal. Ttempers are at an all time high. Sigh, and this makes me feel even more alone, I never feel “at home” at my house, and this just makes me constantly say “why the hell am I here.”. I’m going to go run and think and pretend I’m elsewhere, and imagine and dream while running and then I’ll probably go to sleep – tomorrow is Pay Day (thank the gods) and then I’m working Saturday (with Debbie, and Fred won’t be there, so the day should be a blast).

I just hope that I don’t have to cover for Voula in a while – not because I don’t want to help her out, but beacuse it would mean that she has to go to a funereal.

V_V

~ me