open pasture

“You’re about as assertive as a manatee on codeine!” – Me

“You’re about as assertive as a manatee on codeine!” – Me

Okay, I have studied for Arabic (no where near as much as I wanted to, but I’m feeling confident, if not totally insecure…which may or may not be a good thing…) and will study more today, but I’ll be doing myself a disservice if I don’t get at least eight hours flat on my back.

At around 11-1115am Jacqueline (hollow_voice) is taking us to go Vote (which, every U.S. Citizen who is able to do so, should do so. I don’t care if you think voting is a farce and that you’re vote doesn’t count, get out there and make your voice heard for whoever you believe will best represent your interests as a constituent).

Then whenever I’m done with that until 330pm when I have Pauuw’s class, I’ll continue studying Arabic. After Pauuw’s class I will be allowed a quarter of an hour (fifteen minutes) to freak out at which point I will sit for this exam, say a few prayers (amazing how we all get much more religious before we take an exam, before we take off, and before we land) and then tackle this sucker head on.

Then home to pack and prepare for Toronto where I’ll be from Wednesday through Thursday with my lovely research assistant, Brigitte. We leave on Wednesday, right after class (and I need to call Dr. Smyth, get a hold of him on the phone, and solidify plans).

So, right now, going to go do that thing that guys do, and then sleep.

Peace.

“You’re about as assertive as a manatee on codeine!” – Me

“You’re about as assertive as a manatee on codeine!” – Me

Okay, I have studied for Arabic (no where near as much as I wanted to, but I’m feeling confident, if not totally insecure…which may or may not be a good thing…) and will study more today, but I’ll be doing myself a disservice if I don’t get at least eight hours flat on my back.

At around 11-1115am Jacqueline (

hollow_voice) is taking us to go Vote (which, every U.S. Citizen who is able to do so, should do so. I don’t care if you think voting is a farce and that you’re vote doesn’t count, get out there and make your voice heard for whoever you believe will best represent your interests as a constituent).

Then whenever I’m done with that until 330pm when I have Pauuw’s class, I’ll continue studying Arabic. After Pauuw’s class I will be allowed a quarter of an hour (fifteen minutes) to freak out at which point I will sit for this exam, say a few prayers (amazing how we all get much more religious before we take an exam, before we take off, and before we land) and then tackle this sucker head on.

Then home to pack and prepare for Toronto where I’ll be from Wednesday through Thursday with my lovely research assistant, Brigitte. We leave on Wednesday, right after class (and I need to call Dr. Smyth, get a hold of him on the phone, and solidify plans).

So, right now, going to go do that thing that guys do, and then sleep.

Peace.

Kesher Conference/What it Means to Be Gay & Jewish

I was asked (and honored) to write something for my friend to read before the Kaddish at the Kesher Conference which was held a few weeks ago in Florida; below is what I wrote and was read. I was asked what it means to be a Gay Jew. Given the situation in Israel at the moment, I find it timely to post what I wrote:

People often ask me how I fit into the Jewish Community and how I fit into the Gay Community, can I fit into both at the same time…isn’t it a contradiction?

I state this emphatically, no.

I am 10% of ½ of 1% of the world’s population
and I am proud of my heritages.

When I attend Kol Nidrei services every year, tears stroll down my cheeks, and my eyes turn red from crying and I physically tremble in Awe of the Lord for it is at this time of the year when the gates of heaven are open, and even the hosts of heaven are judged, that I feel at one with God and who I am.

I do not say Kol Nidrei just for Jews around the world who have to lie about who they are because it is too dangerous to proclaim their faith. I say Kol Nidrei for those who are in the closet as well. I say Kol Nidrei for those who – if they came out – would be slain. I say Kol Nidrei for all the souls I met in the West Village who live on the street because their parents broke their vow of “I’ll love you forever, no matter what.” I say Kol Nidrei for my friends who have had to lie to their parents and say that they’ll never bring home a boyfriend again, because they’re the quarter back on the football team and a Jock can’t be Queer… ‘not in this family’, ‘not my son’.

As I stand before the Ark, I present myself to God as I am and without pretense. When I am questioned about my sexuality by others I answer simply that “if God has a problem with who I love, than he should have made me straight, if he still has a problem with it, he can wrestle me in my tent, but I will not stand before the Ark and lie about who I love, I will not commit a transgression before the eye’s of the lord.”

Have I felt discrimination from the Jewish community at times? Yes, of course. And when these people tell me that I’m an abomination, that by being truthful, that by loving my boyfriend, that living an honest life and making an honest living I’m living in sin all I can say is “WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO BORE THE WEIGHT OF THE PINK AND BLACK TRIANGLE!? What about us!? Were we not identical as skeletons at the gates of the camps? Did our skin not burn the same as yours when we were murdered? Did our blood not bleed the same crimson red when we were shot as the Nazis used us, together, as target practice? Did we not waste away just the same as we were herded like cattle onto the trains? Did our souls not rise up to heaven together through plumes of black smoke, on the backs of angels, to the sky? Did our deaths together at the ghetto uprisings mean nothing to you? Are we not all created in the image of God? Do we not all return to dust?

Ani L’Dodi, V’Dodi Li – I am my beloveds and my beloveds is mine.

The world is a scary place and when you say you are a Jew you take on a responsibility. When you say that you are Gay, you do the same. But when you embrace God, when you feel the eternal flame burning within you, when the letters of the Torah jump out at you and when Hatikvah is sung you feel something in your core tremble and you know that you are in the presence of the divine…then…then you know you have found home, you walk without fear, without the judgment of others, because then you know the judgment of the one person who matters most and he’s telling you to go forth, to live life, to love.

This is what it means to be Gay and Jewish.

Kesher Conference/What it Means to Be Gay & Jewish

I was asked (and honored) to write something for my friend to read before the Kaddish at the Kesher Conference which was held a few weeks ago in Florida; below is what I wrote and was read. I was asked what it means to be a Gay Jew. Given the situation in Israel at the moment, I find it timely to post what I wrote:

People often ask me how I fit into the Jewish Community and how I fit into the Gay Community, can I fit into both at the same time…isn’t it a contradiction?

I state this emphatically, no.

I am 10% of ½ of 1% of the world’s population
and I am proud of my heritages.

When I attend Kol Nidrei services every year, tears stroll down my cheeks, and my eyes turn red from crying and I physically tremble in Awe of the Lord for it is at this time of the year when the gates of heaven are open, and even the hosts of heaven are judged, that I feel at one with God and who I am.

I do not say Kol Nidrei just for Jews around the world who have to lie about who they are because it is too dangerous to proclaim their faith. I say Kol Nidrei for those who are in the closet as well. I say Kol Nidrei for those who – if they came out – would be slain. I say Kol Nidrei for all the souls I met in the West Village who live on the street because their parents broke their vow of “I’ll love you forever, no matter what.” I say Kol Nidrei for my friends who have had to lie to their parents and say that they’ll never bring home a boyfriend again, because they’re the quarter back on the football team and a Jock can’t be Queer… ‘not in this family’, ‘not my son’.

As I stand before the Ark, I present myself to God as I am and without pretense. When I am questioned about my sexuality by others I answer simply that “if God has a problem with who I love, than he should have made me straight, if he still has a problem with it, he can wrestle me in my tent, but I will not stand before the Ark and lie about who I love, I will not commit a transgression before the eye’s of the lord.”

Have I felt discrimination from the Jewish community at times? Yes, of course. And when these people tell me that I’m an abomination, that by being truthful, that by loving my boyfriend, that living an honest life and making an honest living I’m living in sin all I can say is “WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO BORE THE WEIGHT OF THE PINK AND BLACK TRIANGLE!? What about us!? Were we not identical as skeletons at the gates of the camps? Did our skin not burn the same as yours when we were murdered? Did our blood not bleed the same crimson red when we were shot as the Nazis used us, together, as target practice? Did we not waste away just the same as we were herded like cattle onto the trains? Did our souls not rise up to heaven together through plumes of black smoke, on the backs of angels, to the sky? Did our deaths together at the ghetto uprisings mean nothing to you? Are we not all created in the image of God? Do we not all return to dust?

Ani L’Dodi, V’Dodi Li – I am my beloveds and my beloveds is mine.

The world is a scary place and when you say you are a Jew you take on a responsibility. When you say that you are Gay, you do the same. But when you embrace God, when you feel the eternal flame burning within you, when the letters of the Torah jump out at you and when Hatikvah is sung you feel something in your core tremble and you know that you are in the presence of the divine…then…then you know you have found home, you walk without fear, without the judgment of others, because then you know the judgment of the one person who matters most and he’s telling you to go forth, to live life, to love.

This is what it means to be Gay and Jewish.

Ugh

So I haven’t been able to sleep tonight.

I have a bunch of canker sores, mostly from stress and then brushing over vigorously the other day (so all the online websites tell me) and my lips were chapped which was annoying so I’ve been using chapstick like it’s going out of style; and now I’m up and have a headache brewing…which means that I’m missing my one class today (I was going to miss one class this week anyway because I’m going up to Toronto to meet with a researcher for another class), so instead I will leave at 12pm on Wednesday instead of 9am and arrive there just a little bit later, thus still missing only one class…it’s Attendance Karma or something.

I had her calculate my grade and it’s an 84% at the moment, and with the next few homework’s, will be raised to mid to high 90s, and yes attendance counts, but shit happens.

Thus, Today’s game plan is to pass out for a few hours, study Arabic for my exam on Tuesday from 3pm to 8pm, then do Linguistics Homework, then more sleep, wake up, and study more.

Bah, I hate when this happens.

Ugh

So I haven’t been able to sleep tonight.

I have a bunch of canker sores, mostly from stress and then brushing over vigorously the other day (so all the online websites tell me) and my lips were chapped which was annoying so I’ve been using chapstick like it’s going out of style; and now I’m up and have a headache brewing…which means that I’m missing my one class today (I was going to miss one class this week anyway because I’m going up to Toronto to meet with a researcher for another class), so instead I will leave at 12pm on Wednesday instead of 9am and arrive there just a little bit later, thus still missing only one class…it’s Attendance Karma or something.

I had her calculate my grade and it’s an 84% at the moment, and with the next few homework’s, will be raised to mid to high 90s, and yes attendance counts, but shit happens.

Thus, Today’s game plan is to pass out for a few hours, study Arabic for my exam on Tuesday from 3pm to 8pm, then do Linguistics Homework, then more sleep, wake up, and study more.

Bah, I hate when this happens.

True Life: Actions Have Consequences.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”

We’re all pretty familiar with that phrase, other natural laws of order (at present) are that you will be judged. What you’re judged on and who’s doing the judging are always emotional questions, but I put forth that one should be judged on their actions. A radical idea, apparently.

There’s a world out there, some may say it’s harsh, others cruel, others full of wonder and surprise and buttercups – to each their own, however the bottom line is that if you want to live in the real world (within this country at least, I can’t yet speak for other countries) you’re going to have to get used to certain things and one of them is that if you want to be a professional, then you have to expect that you will be held to a professional standard. Don’t like it? Don’t take the job. Everything you do daily while you’re being a professional has the right to come under scrutiny and judgement: it’s called your reputation.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a Janitor, a President of an organization, or the country for that matter. You will be judged on your actions by people higher than you and people lower than you.

Just because you’re nice doesn’t mean you’re qualified to hold a position and contra-positively, just because you’re not nice doesn’t mean that you’re unqualified to hold a position.

Harsh reality I know.

Not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, and that’s okay as long as their living is honest. You can give out all the lollipops, high fives and pats on the back you want and have an award winning smile…but if you don’t have your M.D. you’re not going to be hired as a doctor. Likewise, you can be the most horrible man on Earth, have your M.D. and still be the world’s greatest surgeon.

Whether you’re a nice person or not, is not what you use to qualify someone for a position. You use that as the determining factor between people who have an equal set of skills and experience, sometimes being nice works for them and and sometimes being nice works against them.

Are there exceptions to this rule? I’m sure there might be, so we’ll leave room for them.

If someone determines, through your actions, as a constituent who you are supposed to represent, that you are not qualified or have made serious errors in judgement, and wishes to bring that question up for scrutiny by those who are in charge of said representative (as anyone who is an academic – and for that matter a patriot – should do: question authority) a defense of that person’s qualifications should not be “but he’s nice and cool!”

That’s wonderful, and of course open for interpretation but moreover, it doesn’t actually address the issue.

If you don’t like what someone says about your actions, then refute them with logic and evidence (“I understand why you perceived something this way, however, in reality this is why this happened and here’s proof”) or take responsibility for your mistakes (no one is perfect, we all fuck up – myself, possibly more than most) people look up to those who apologize for their mistakes and transgressions, it is seen as being honorable and humble. It is not seen as being weak.

Likewise, do not respond emotionally to an attack on your actions and/or behavior. An attack on someone’s actions is not a personal attack; there is (while sometimes hard to discern) a difference.

My Mother gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received 

“you will forever be judged on two things, your actions and on the company you keep.”

You have a professional reputation (qualifications, bad or good work, previous clients, professional associations), a public reputation (civic work, keeping your lawn clean or dirty, volunteerism), and a private reputation (good in bed, bad in bed, faithful lover, cheater, etc.).

To take on a job and assume that you will not be called to account to both your superiors and your constituents is naive. Granted, there are absolutely certain things that will remain between you and God for which he gets to judge you, there are, however, also things that you will be called to account for by those who hire you and those whom you serve and they have a right to call you to account: it’s called real life and being responsible to both the one’s who pay your salary and to those who you are supposed to work for and represent.

Judge not lest ye be judged? Go ahead, judge me.

True Life: Actions Have Consequences

True Life: Actions Have Consequences.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”

We’re all pretty familiar with that phrase, other natural laws of order (at present) are that you will be judged. What you’re judged on and who’s doing the judging are always emotional questions, but I put forth that one should be judged on their actions. A radical idea, apparently.

There’s a world out there, some may say it’s harsh, others cruel, others full of wonder and surprise and buttercups – to each their own, however the bottom line is that if you want to live in the real world (within this country at least, I can’t yet speak for other countries) you’re going to have to get used to certain things and one of them is that if you want to be a professional, then you have to expect that you will be held to a professional standard. Don’t like it? Don’t take the job. Everything you do daily while you’re being a professional has the right to come under scrutiny and judgement: it’s called your reputation.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a Janitor, a President of an organization, or the country for that matter. You will be judged on your actions by people higher than you and people lower than you.

Just because you’re nice doesn’t mean you’re qualified to hold a position and contra-positively, just because you’re not nice doesn’t mean that you’re unqualified to hold a position.

Harsh reality I know.

Not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, and that’s okay as long as their living is honest. You can give out all the lollipops, high fives and pats on the back you want and have an award winning smile…but if you don’t have your M.D. you’re not going to be hired as a doctor. Likewise, you can be the most horrible man on Earth, have your M.D. and still be the world’s greatest surgeon.

Whether you’re a nice person or not, is not what you use to qualify someone for a position. You use that as the determining factor between people who have an equal set of skills and experience, sometimes being nice works for them and and sometimes being nice works against them.

Are there exceptions to this rule? I’m sure there might be, so we’ll leave room for them.

If someone determines, through your actions, as a constituent who you are supposed to represent, that you are not qualified or have made serious errors in judgement, and wishes to bring that question up for scrutiny by those who are in charge of said representative (as anyone who is an academic – and for that matter a patriot – should do: question authority) a defense of that person’s qualifications should not be “but he’s nice and cool!”

That’s wonderful, and of course open for interpretation but moreover, it doesn’t actually address the issue.

If you don’t like what someone says about your actions, then refute them with logic and evidence (“I understand why you perceived something this way, however, in reality this is why this happened and here’s proof”) or take responsibility for your mistakes (no one is perfect, we all fuck up – myself, possibly more than most) people look up to those who apologize for their mistakes and transgressions, it is seen as being honorable and humble. It is not seen as being weak.

Likewise, do not respond emotionally to an attack on your actions and/or behavior. An attack on someone’s actions is not a personal attack; there is (while sometimes hard to discern) a difference.

My Mother gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received 

“you will forever be judged on two things, your actions and on the company you keep.”

You have a professional reputation (qualifications, bad or good work, previous clients, professional associations), a public reputation (civic work, keeping your lawn clean or dirty, volunteerism), and a private reputation (good in bed, bad in bed, faithful lover, cheater, etc.).

To take on a job and assume that you will not be called to account to both your superiors and your constituents is naive. Granted, there are absolutely certain things that will remain between you and God for which he gets to judge you, there are, however, also things that you will be called to account for by those who hire you and those whom you serve and they have a right to call you to account: it’s called real life and being responsible to both the one’s who pay your salary and to those who you are supposed to work for and represent.

Judge not lest ye be judged? Go ahead, judge me.

True Life: Actions Have Consequences

Ball Busting, Just Another Service We Offer

So I’m getting prepared for my annual certification exam. I try to get at least one new certification, certificate, or license each year and the verdicts for 2007 are in:

The P.I. Licensing Exam is $15.00 to sit for (I can so afford that); the results are good for two years to apply for your 550.00 (last I checked) License (it’s nice that the initial investment is only $15.00 so if you screw up, that’s like…next to nothing). Basically if you pass the exam, you then just pay the $550.00 licensing fee and you can setup shop. This means I’ll be sitting for the exam in February, which will give me December and January to study up for the exam.

Which theoretically means, that by the time I graduate, I’ll have a B.A., P.I., CIPP, CPhT after my name (mnmmalphabetsoup) and then I can jet over to London and take the IPA Transcription exam at some point (two years from now? I won’t go until I know that I can achieve the highest possible level…actually, Candie should take this exam with me…it’s only like 35 Pounds to sit for and then we could romp around London together).

I really want to take the CIPP exam too, and I know that if I study through December and January, and February I’ll be able to pass it with flying colors, that exam however, is way more expensive than the $15.00 to NYS (I think, last time I checked, it was $250.00). However, I’ll look over the study material one more time and if it’s reasonable, I’ll figure out how to come up with the cash.

I just have a thing for sitting for exams…I don’t know, some people go cliff jumping, others race cars…I get my adrenaline rush in entirely different and dorky ways. Part of me is just tempted to take the exam downtown Buffalo next time it’s offered at the state building (you can sit for it multiple times), without studying, just to see if Law & Order, Nero Wolfe & Sherlock Holmes was enough to pass. I may do that depending on the exam schedule…for $15.00 I’d risk it to see, the CIPP one is way to expensive to leave to chance.

In other news, I came up (in my dream last night) with the methodology I’m using for the part of the research I’m doing…it makes me so excited…I wish I could say I thought of it…I mean, I did think of it, just not so much me as my brain during sleep.

Speaking of dreams, there’s an ad campaign that I really enjoy with a woodchuck and Abraham Lincoln for sleep medication – as one who has incredibly bizarre dreams, I just find it entertaining.

What else is going on…there’s the whole thing with Hillel but that doesn’t really belong out in the open; I’m studying for my Arabic Exam on Tuesday, and getting ready for Thanksgiving. I have some diet & exercise stuff I’ve been meaning to discuss, but that too will have to wait.

Okay…time for bed.

Peace all.

– M

Ball Busting, Just Another Service We Offer

So I’m getting prepared for my annual certification exam. I try to get at least one new certification, certificate, or license each year and the verdicts for 2007 are in:

The P.I. Licensing Exam is $15.00 to sit for (I can so afford that); the results are good for two years to apply for your 550.00 (last I checked) License (it’s nice that the initial investment is only $15.00 so if you screw up, that’s like…next to nothing). Basically if you pass the exam, you then just pay the $550.00 licensing fee and you can setup shop. This means I’ll be sitting for the exam in February, which will give me December and January to study up for the exam.

Which theoretically means, that by the time I graduate, I’ll have a B.A., P.I., CIPP, CPhT after my name (mnmmalphabetsoup) and then I can jet over to London and take the IPA Transcription exam at some point (two years from now? I won’t go until I know that I can achieve the highest possible level…actually, Candie should take this exam with me…it’s only like 35 Pounds to sit for and then we could romp around London together).

I really want to take the CIPP exam too, and I know that if I study through December and January, and February I’ll be able to pass it with flying colors, that exam however, is way more expensive than the $15.00 to NYS (I think, last time I checked, it was $250.00). However, I’ll look over the study material one more time and if it’s reasonable, I’ll figure out how to come up with the cash.

I just have a thing for sitting for exams…I don’t know, some people go cliff jumping, others race cars…I get my adrenaline rush in entirely different and dorky ways. Part of me is just tempted to take the exam downtown Buffalo next time it’s offered at the state building (you can sit for it multiple times), without studying, just to see if Law & Order, Nero Wolfe & Sherlock Holmes was enough to pass. I may do that depending on the exam schedule…for $15.00 I’d risk it to see, the CIPP one is way to expensive to leave to chance.

In other news, I came up (in my dream last night) with the methodology I’m using for the part of the research I’m doing…it makes me so excited…I wish I could say I thought of it…I mean, I did think of it, just not so much me as my brain during sleep.

Speaking of dreams, there’s an ad campaign that I really enjoy with a woodchuck and Abraham Lincoln for sleep medication – as one who has incredibly bizarre dreams, I just find it entertaining.

What else is going on…there’s the whole thing with Hillel but that doesn’t really belong out in the open; I’m studying for my Arabic Exam on Tuesday, and getting ready for Thanksgiving. I have some diet & exercise stuff I’ve been meaning to discuss, but that too will have to wait.

Okay…time for bed.

Peace all.

– M