This year I wanted to go to Jerusalem to observe Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of repentance. A day so holy that even the angels stand in awe and dread, for even the hosts of heaven are judged.
I stayed with Shirah (stoicdaydreamer)’s family in Ma’ale Adumim.
Ma’ale Adumim is a settlement in the West Bank. However, saying that it is a settlement is akin to calling New York City a charming village. Ma’ale Adumim is huge, new buildings reach out of the ground and touch the sky.
I have said, previously, that the West Bank is gorgeous – and it’s beauty never ceases to amaze me. I’ve been there twice before, to Palestinian areas, with my commander and it is one of the most stunning places on Earth.
Shirah’s parents’ apartment looks out onto the sprawling hills and you can see nearby Palestinian villages in the distance, their lights mixed in with the land which helps to paint a landscape that no doubt has added to the lure and the mystique of Jerusalem over the years. It is easy to get lost in flights of imagination over the rim of a coffee mug looking out over the land as night falls or the sun rises and the ever present wind whips through your hair.
On the Eve of Yom Kippur (Jewish holidays begin at night, our calendar is lunar) I went with Shirah’s father and brother to the synagogue down the road from their apartment. This would mark the first time that I had ever prayed in a Sephardic synagogue – I’m Ashkenazic.
I found the prayer service quite beautiful, and though I can safely say that – whether it’s due to nature or nurture – I’ll be sticking with my Ashkenazic services in the future, I was impressed with the intensity in which people prayed…with the noise…and with the fact that all were welcomed inside the house of prayer regardless of what they were wearing – it was not about clothes, it was not about labels, it was about coming in to pray.
I was hardly the worst dressed in my Birkenstocks, cargo shorts and button down shirt…people were standing before God on our holiest day of the year in jeans and t-shirts: take me as I am, these are my sins, I will not stand before You a wolf in sheep’s clothing, no I will stand before You as I am, as You have made me, and as You know me to be.
And with the blast of the Shofar, that haunting noise that has meant so many things at so many different times, that blast of freedom, that blast which was sounded at Jericho and brought the walls down with it, that blast that announced the liberation of the Western Wall, that blast that echoes and pulses through the heartstrings of Jewish revolutionaries…with that blast the Gates of Repentance were flung open as we began our fast together as a people, and as we started the Kol Nidrei services.
The prayer service of Kol Nidrei is incredibly, incredibly sacred.
Kol Nidrei is the prayer service where you pray for those who cannot pray for themselves, where you pray for those who – if they admitted their religion – would be killed, or worse.
For me, this is the most important service of the year – perhaps more important then the rest of the Yom Kippur services combined. Because while Yom Kippur is the day of repentance, we’re taught that the Gates of Repentance are always open to those who wish to turn to them…but Kol Nidrei is the one day a year that those who are oppressed know that others, all around the world, are praying on their behalf…and this gives them hope.
I find dual significance in the service, both as a Jewish man and as a Gay man: the need to ask for forgiveness on behalf of those who cannot ask it for themselves. The clearing of their sins, the understanding that God understands that they cannot be who they are or who they were meant to be, and that our prayers mean that they are not alone, that they are not forgotten, that they will be liberated.
While I cannot speak to the number of Jews that may be in this situation today, it is vitally important that this service is upheld every year, even if for just one person,
Yom Kippur concluded the next day a few hours after sundown and I broke my fast with Shirah’s family. Yom Kippur is a hard day – it forces you to look at yourself as you are, as you could have been, and as you could still yet become.
I did not do as well as I could have this past year: I sinned, I failed, I transgressed and I could have done better. This past year God has been distant from me, I have not felt His presence as I have during other years – it has been as if a piece of me has gone cold. I can only hope to do better this year, to feel his presence more and more often.
The week after Yom Kippur we celebrate Sukkot. Sukkot is a week long harvest holiday (we’re presently celebrating it at the moment). It’s both physical and spiritual in nature. We reap our physical harvest and give thanks to God for his divine works, and we reap our spiritual harvest as well. During Sukkot we sit outside in a Sukkah underneath the stars and eat, pray and think with our friends and loved ones.
October 11th
Last week I went to go introduce myself to our new Administration Officer. After a brief conversation (where are you from, what are you doing here, what made you want to volunteer? – the usual questions) he asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said no, that I had left my last boyfriend and relationship in the United States…
He said, without missing a beat, “well you need to start dating! what’s taking you so long!!”
In the US, such a conversation would lead to a dishonorable discharge, loss of security clearance and the loss of financial benefits to study after the army. I would also have to check off the box next to “I was dishonorably discharged” on any and all future job applications.
Here, in Israel, it got me a holiday dinner invitation.
October 11th is National Coming Out Day in the United States. Right now, we need as many foot soldiers as we can muster. I encourage anyone who’s in the closet to evaluate why they’re still trapping themselves inside.
If it’s because you’re going to lose some friends, then they shouldn’t be your friends in the first place…they’re not real friends. If your family’s going to disown you…well…then you need to make a choice, and only you can make it: do you sacrifice who you are and your happiness to fit into a box that they’re making for you, of who they want you to be? Would you rather live your life or the one that they want you to live? Are you comfortable living a lie every. single. day?
Are you scared? You should be…coming out is scary…it’s terrifying. I know, I’ve done it four times: once when I was sixteen and then once when I was 24 and coming out after three months of Basic Training in the IDF and then once again when I started both of my specialists courses at 25. It’s draining to have to say to a group of people “this is who I am.”
However, if we’re ever going to have the hope of full equality, if we’re going to have the hope that one day some kid in High School will be able to be who they are without having to worry about closet doors at all, then we need to liberate ourselves to make the path of those who are walking in our footprints behind us, just a little easier.
I Was a Lonely Teenage Broncin’ Buck With a Pink Carnation and a Pickup Truck, But I Knew I Was Out of Luck, The Day The Music Died”
Since I don’t foresee the army making an informed or educated decision (because as much as I love the IDF, much like the Palestinians, they never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity), it is my working theory that one of two things are going to happen in short order:
a) The army will steal my line budget for signing contract in my branch and I will be ending my service on June 19, 2011.
b) The army will not steal my line budget, but nor will they provide me an opportunity to go to the Officers School that I want, meaning I will sign contract and continue on until June 19, 2014 which is as far as I’ll go in the IDF without being an officer.
Given that these are the two most likely options, I’m in the process of moving forward towards a 2014 date to prepare to pack up for the next adventure.
As I have told those in the army many, many times before, if they send me to the Officers School that I want, I’ll treat the entire thing altruistically, I will be incredibly amenable to making changes to my life plans, to putting things off, to making sacrifices…if they don’t, as I expect, then I’ll still give everything my all…but I’ll also be seeking to take as much out of the relationship as possible – time and money wise especially – as I can.
So the current working schedule looks something like this:
2011
June 19 – Begin Contract
July – September – Teaching Business English Module (Addendum to Teaching Certification)
October-December – Early Childhood Education Module (Addendum to Teaching Certification)
2012
January-March – Teaching Grammar Module (Addendum to Teaching Certification)
February – Begin Masters Degree at The Open University of Israel
April-June – TOEFL Exam Preparation Module (Addendum to Teaching Certification)
2013
Continue Masters Degree
Take IPA Transcription Exam – (UK)
2014
Finish Masters Degree
June 19 – Retire from the IDF
August 2014 – June 2014 – Advanced Hebrew Courses
2015
August – Begin Ph.D.
Now, however, it’s time for bed.
More updates tomorrow.
G’night!
moocowinthecity 
gryvon, the software I use went on the fritz a couple of days ago and I just got everything back and running about five minutes ago…responses, correspondence, writs and manifestos will shortly be on their way to most boxes and owelrys..